Cherry~Dame

09:26 pm: Forgiveness
I finally realized what makes my heart wanna join the living again "forgiveness" when all is said and done and everyone around you tells you to luv again and you frown that. Why stay bitter? too many beautiful people out there. It would be a huge mistake for me to continue to barricade my heart just because of one bad choice...

Cranberries (no need to argue)

There’s no need to aruge anymore
I gave all I could
But it left me so sore
And the thing that makes me mad
Is the one thing that I had

I knew, I knew, I’d lose you
You’ll always be special to me

And I remember all the
Things we once shared
Watching tv movies on
The living room armchair

But they say it will work out fine
Was it all a waste of time
Cause I knew, I knew, I’d lose you

You’ll always be special to me

Will I forget in time
You said I was on your mind
There’s no need to argue
No need to argue anymore
There’s no need to argue anymore
Special

10:56 pm: Wow I think it's finally OVER
OK so I know this because my heart races again. I felt it for the first time in along time on Saturday... For awhile now I thought it went cold and dark but it's still there stronger then ever. I get to find out soon what it may mean but the anticipation is enough to keep me smiling for awhile.

enough said Star *

09:18 pm: So my baby~girl posted this song she said it reminded her of us what we both had gone through...I loved it but I must say I feel I've found the light at the end of the dark tunnel...

Goodbye to me and you.
Goodbye to the life we knew.
One last long embrace.
Let go and walk on through.

I'm leaving everything behind for a peace that I can't find.
The ghosts that roam this house
like winter air right through our souls.
And it feels like dying.
It just feels like time to go.

Goin down south to dream another dream.
Maybe check out Memphis, Tennessee.
Take the night train and an extra pair of jeans.
Can't think of anything else I really need.
And all my experiences ride with me.

This town is dead to me.
And I can't stop chasing my dreams.
I love you more than anything,
but what you want I could never be.
I love you more than anything,
but only alone can we both be free.

Goodbye to me and you.
Goodbye to the life we knew.
Wipe the tears from your eyes.
Let go and walk on through.

there are people i've met recently who have changed my life.
i'm a better person for having met them.
when i look back at all the ties i've cut, and the friends who have gone..
i can't help but feel like i let go..
i watched them slip away..all the while never knowing
it would hurt like this.
i tried to hold on.. but your hand slipped from my grasp

I so know the feeling... Life goes on and healthier people do exist...

10:24 pm: I adore my friends
Just got back from my x~mas with my family had the best time ever I so needed that trip. When I got home all my friends called me I feel so LOVED (huge smile) messages saying I love you I miss you hurry home Denver sucks without you, my counterpart is missing and that was just Angel's messages (lol) I never knew Denver would have some of the greatest friend's I'd come to find. Danielle of coarse moved here shortly after I did we were best friends in Cali. as well but I've also met some amazing people here some I had to let go of but some I've kept VERY close to me as well maybe Denver does have alot to offer. I've been considering moving finding another place to hang my hat/purse I thought about Seattle, New York, San Fran or Santa Rosa, so many options I can get a job anywhere but could I ever make friends like I have here. I'll just give it a few more months before I decide.
Angel called the second I walked through the door to see if I got all 18 of her messages I was only gone 7 days (lol) and to remind me about VNV - The Rev. and Social D again in Feb.. (fuck yeah) even Daniellle left me a message regarding that bit of fuck yea news... Plus we have to start planning our vacation to VLV in late March $$$ sucks...
Spoke with AJ a bit but needed some alone time to unpack and dance around my apartment (I know chic's are weird) ok I know I'm not the only one. (lol) blake called too spoke with him for a few minutes he called me at my sisters house a few times but I was having family time. He is becoming a good friend to me maybe because he went through a similar situation as the one I'm going through now... AJ should be out to Denver again in late Jan. before he heads to Kansas for some job had a nice chat with him during my trip asked ??? because I really don't know much about him he kinda got defensive I found that a bit odd how can I ever learn about you if you don't let me in.. hmm...
Anyhoo I think one of my friends is gonna come stay with me in Feb. before he heads off to his tattoo convention in Salt Lake he wanted to drive to WI but I told him I just wanted to be with my family he understood.
My family is so important to me I tried to soak them in as much as I could.
I hate good bye tho... : (

10:20 pm: Say good~bye on a night like this...
Merry Christmas well it was until about 2hrs ago. I'm enjoying my visit in WI with my familia my sister and the kids we had a great day played games all day baked ,cooked yes even I cooked we were all just vegging out watching some kinda crappy x~mas movie when the phone rang. My sister right away assumed it was for me since a few friends have called me late at nite while I've been here different time zones. I wish it was but it was my aunt in Cali called crying my sisters face just went numb I hid in the bathroom afraid this was the call telling me bad news of my father I wouldn't be able to handle anything like that. Instead it was to tell us my grandfather passed away during the Raider game he was surrounded by family including my papa whom he finally made peace with in the past few years. They had xmas dinner my grandfather led the prayer that seem to go on forever so I hear. After dinner they were enjoying the game all together and his heart failed my papa jumped on his chest pounding it giving him mouth to mouth just trying to give his papa one more breath. I was really close to him my last family visit to CA was to be with him when I moved to CO years ago he made it a point to call me every so often to say I LOVE YOU and then he would just hang~up on me... It made me laugh plus I was the only grandchild he ever wold say those words to out of 22 or so of us. I now feel nervous for my papa he didn't sound too good at all tonight he has alot of guilt. I'll call him tomorrow and check on him..
My thoughts and prayers are with you tonight my familia...Especially my papa...
Good~bye grandpa I LOVE YOU sleep in peace I know you'll ALWAYS be with me see you again some day ...

12:41 am: Almost forgot
MERRY X~MAS

12:12 am: So I've been visiting my big sister and the kids for the holiday in WI it's been so much fun playing games watching my family just laugh makes me so happy. I so needed this trip I haven't been able to feel real since my breakup I was so nervous my first x~mas without him would hurt soo bad but you know what it doesn't and I'm ok and I'm happy,laughing and smiling again. I guess it took awhile to understand the beauty of just letting go .I guess I had to realize the choice I made to let that miserable relationship end was a good one I needed to accept that and stop blaming myself for his issue's. I didn't make him short tempered I didn't make him so angree he needed to push me around choke me or belittle me I wasn't his father whom beat his mother closed fist to make her abandon him most of all I wasn't his enemy I didn't make him hate women I didn't make all the women before me leave or cheat on his sorry ass (he did) those were his problems I got sucked into his manipulative words & made to feel I deserved his abuse. I had to realize I was good to him I loved and adored this man I did anything and everything to make him happy it was never enough. So in turn I realized I was getting the raw end of the deal no one deserves to be taken for granted I deserve respect love and more laughter then tears something he couldn't give me and it was so obvious to everyone else but me...It's time for me to forgive myself and let people whom love me in again because I deserve it...Time to remove my wall brick by brick...
I an now see the next chapter ..
xxoo

05:54 pm: (everyday Keith you still haunt me )
"That Particular Time"

my foundation was rocked my tried and true way to deal was to vanish
my departures were old I stood in the room shaking in my boots
at that particular time love had challenged me to stay
at that particular moment I knew not run away again
that particular month I was ready to investigate with you
at that particular time

we thought a break would be good for four months we sat and vacillated
we thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were abounding
at that particular time love encouraged me to wait
at that particular moment it helped me to be patient
that particular month we needed time to marinate in what "us" meant

I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself
and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell
and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt
and in the meantime I lost myself
in the meantime I lost myself
I'm sorry I lost myself¡-.i am

you knew you needed more time time spent alone with no distraction
you felt you needed to fly solo and I dutified what you wanted
at that particular time love encouraged me to leave
at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me
that particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still left
at that particular time

10:20 pm: Ok so he's on my mind
I wish I could just FUCKING hate him more then I miss him... (can't help it I almost married him)


There's a chair, in my head,
On which I used to sit
Took a pencil and I wrote
The following on air:
Now there's a key,
Where my wonderful mouth used to be

Dig it up, and throw it at me
Dig it up, n throw it at me

Where can I run to?
Where can I hide?
Who will I turn to,
Now I'm in a virgin state of mind?

Got a knife to disengage,
The voids that I can't bear,
To cut out words I've got written,
on my chair, like:

Do you think I'm sexy?
Do you think I really care?

Can I burn the mazes I grow?
Can I? I dont think so.

Can I burn the mazes I grow?
Can I? I dont think so.

Where can I run to?
Where can I hide?
Who will I turn to, now Im in a virgin state of mind?
Virgin state of mind.
Virgin state of mind.
Virgin state of mind.

02:07 pm:

You Are the Individualist

4 You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself. You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable. You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

11:08 pm: " My Love it is a Black Rose"
This song descibes my wicked mood...
To know me is to love me (LOL)

There is a rose in the Devil's garden
In shadow it grows alone
Many things are dangerous now
In this garden we call home

Be careful as you make your way
Some things are poison to the touch
You've spent your life here in this place now
You long to run away so much

My love it is a black rose (my love it is a black rose)
Held out to you by hand of fate (held by the hand of fate now)
And as this dark romance grows...
It's not from the sun, but the starlight that's so far away
Above the Devil's garden

The fertile soil of poisoned hearts
Fed by tears and nighttime rain
Under Transylvanian moon
Grows the flower bred from pain

Death is pure - life is not
So ask yourself, what do you want?
Ask for me, well I want you
So pick the black rose and let its thorns cut you

My love it is a black rose (my love it is a black rose)
Held out to you by hand of fate (held by the hand of fate now)
And as this dark romance grows...
It's not from the sun, but the starlight that's so far away
Above the Devil's garden

09:15 pm: So tired I need to slow down soon. Just got back from hanging out with Ron I told myself I'd be asleep by now. I just have so much spinning around in my head today. I ended the Rhy thing the other night via text message (what a coward I know) I'm finding that I have to do that alot as of late just because I'm single now doesn't mean I want another one to take the place of the last one. Don't people just wanna get to know eachother why does it seem every fucking guy I talk to lately wants to know on the first date what I want from him & if I wanna relationship because they can so see themselves with me.(* rolls eyes) you don't even know me HELLO I didn't get that fucking memo how about dinner and maybe a flick I think the rolls have reversed here somewhere along the way and I'm finding myself shouting inside my head "doesn't any1 just wanna fuck anymore" (lol kidding) I mean not like a social gathering but why label everything my god let me heal from my last relationship and when I'm good for you or anyone else I'll let ya know...
The only person I can deal with at the present is the guy I met from NY he doesn't ask much of me and he lives in NY how perfect is that for me right now given my present state of mind.. ;)
needed to vent bed time...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

09:36 pm: Hmm... This could be interesting
Had a fab. weekend Friday had another date with Rhy had a great time just not so sure how I feel about him yet he's beautiful but he's a little shorter then most of the guys I date. (so shallow I know) He's a great catch just not sure I wanna catch anyone yet kinda wanna play awhile. Saturday went shopping at my favorite thrift stores with my fav. gay boi & the guy I've had a lil~crush on for awhile saw me & asked me out I agreed the only problem is he's only 19 wtf oh well Danielle says he's in his prime I can dig that.(LOL)
Sat. nite went with my Danielle to the Cherry Pit had a fucking blast danced all nite played they great music made a new friend he lives in NY though 'Steven' I'll chat with him via e~mail.
Went D/T apt. shopping today fell in luv with a few looks like I should find a place soon & get back to downtown living again 'too bad Keith had to be such a fucking mistake'

04:12 pm: How soon is now ????
So it's been about 6 weeks now since Keith & I ended our engagement. We still continued to talk and date each other since then but a week ago I decided no more he will always be whom he is temper tantrums out of control rage habits and of coarse not taking sponsibility for his actions rather blame me for them "now Star if you would have just left me alone I wouldn't have pushed you or choked ect.." He played such mind manipulative games with my head and my heart. (thank goddess for karma)
I've kinda started dating again I hang out with another rockabilly boi Ron (a friend of Keith's oops)nothing too major we have a good time together he took me to the lake he love we talk almost everyday on the phone just not sure if I wanna go any further with that...
Still hanging out with Leaf another greaser did I mention beautiful meow he's a tattoo artist/circus freak lol just not sure if I wanna go there as well.
My favorite is a new boi *** found him about 3 weeks ago at the Cherry Pit thought he was a rockabilly but he's a 34 yr old whom is covered in amazing ink whom lives a rather artist dream style life. Needless to say I see him often we have amazing conversations ride his motor cycle alot on the weekends but he wants an actual relationship I just got out of a shitty one so kinda nervous to even consider another seems too soon I think...
Anyhoo been spending time at Benders used to be Onyx love the crowd can't wait for the Social D show in Nov.. Looks like I'll be going to the Pixies show as well since my favorite *** bought us tix..

10:07 am: From Me To you Keith
"Nothing Better" The Postal Service:::

K::: Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
That your're deserting for better company?
I can't accept that it's over...
I will block the door like a goalie tending the net
In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry

So just say how to make it right
And i swear i'll do my best to comply

Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together

*:::I feel must interject here you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history
So let me help you remember.
I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave

So please back away and let me go

K:::I can't my darling i love you so...

K:::Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better.Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together

*:::Don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures

K:::I admit that i have made mistakes and i swear
I'll never wrong you again
*:::You've got a lure i can't deny,
But you've had your chance so say goodbye
Say goodbye
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Boy how this song really played out in real life for me

10:37 am: Your Idealistic Future
Ok so I finally did it I ended my 2 year relationship with my emotionally & sometimes physically abusive fiancé. I moved everything out with the help of my amazing friends they including Grant have helped me so much I can never repay them for helping me get my life back. I can’t believe I put up with so much from this manipulative person he almost had me believing I deserved what he was giving me. I was going to stop dating rockabilly bois because of this person but I love greaser bois so instead I’ll just give this one up.

The Postal Service::::
this place is a prison and these people aren't
your friends
inhaling thrills through $20 bills and the
tumblers are drained and then flooded again
and again

ther're guards at the on ramps armed to the
teeth and you may case the grounds from the
cascades to puget sound, but you are not
permitted to leave

i know there's a big world out there like the
one i saw on the screen
in my living room late last night, it was
almost too bright to see
i know that it's not a party if it happens
every night
pretending there's glamour and candelabra
when you're drinking by candlelight

what does it take to get a drink in this place?

what does it take, how long must i wait?

10:55 am: yay me
I’m so excited about my trip to L.A to visit my family just 13 days away just hangout on the beach go to all my favorite shops no time to go to Perversion though maybe next time. I sure could use a night at a real gothic/industrial club though with real djs whom understand the concept of the gothic/industrial music scene not like our bubble gum pop 80’s princess we have. Actually Denver does have 2 of my favorite djs Demon & Katastrophy but they only spin on Thursdays damn it all to hell…
Anyhoo I can’t wait to see my mama and my brother and my niece and my nephew and maybe even try to take my pops to lunch or something. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about moving back to L.A especially if something could still be making my mom ill I have no choice I would have to be there for her or I’d NEVER forgive myself. Even though I adore Colorado I just feel like I would have nothing to loose here anymore Grant has his cult (JK lol) friends Danielle we’ve been drifting away for awhile now Michelle I’d miss but she’s moving to Florida soon plus I still have my friends in CA my Kevy Syn Jeffrey Chris and Sha and most important my family. Keith well if he really loves me he’d understand I would have to do this and he’d come with me if not it wasn’t meant to be. I’ll pray that it doesn’t come down to me having to move back though.

10:29 am: All I wanna do is dream
Not sure why I’m so blah lately so much on my mind. We’ve been talking about buying a house together lately and planning a wedding soon. So I guess I’m just really confused about a lot of things like do we really need to be married can’t we just do the whole Goldie Hawn Kurt Russell gig live together have a home maybe a family minus the piece of paper that proclaims some type of ownership and seems so permanent we’ve been engaged now for 16 months and I actually think I prefer it this way. I don’t even want to imagine a wedding the cost the stress ect..
We’ve been looking into buying a house in Bailey I found a few I actually adore. Just again seems so permanent to me I’ve heard from a few exes and friends that I’m afraid of commitment maybe to some extent I am.
{ isn’t everyone??? } I’m 28 been married and divorced no kids (thank god) I just don’t want to make the same mistakes and end up yet again another statistic with 2 divorces under my belt. Maybe I’m thinking too much maybe I need a night out with my friends no boys allowed. Maybe I just need to be engaged a few more years to really understand. LIFE wtf

10:43 am: wow guess I needed to vent
Ok so I feel like complete shit lately I miss my family I’m homesick for SoCal. I’m a nervous Norvous about finding out my sister and my babies are moving back to Calif. I just worry so much about how my babies will grow up there and of coarse I worry about the financial aspect of it all. At least I’ll take solace in knowing she can look in on my mom more then my brother does. I just worry so much when it comes to my familia. Welp on the selfish side of it at least I can vacation in L.A again and visit my entire family again. (YAY ME)
Plus is there something in the air lately because I’ve been in the most fucked up mood the past few nights. Poor Keith has had to feel the worst of my wrath just because he’s the (lucky guy) who’s closest to me. I’ve just been enraged and he’s been so good about it too : ( even though I’ve been a royal C--- . However I have no excuses but I have noticed I get mad every time I listen to a c/d Grant burned for me. So I figured I’d take that c/d out for awhile and listen to Conjure One instead. Maybe I’m having some kinda issue or something.
So I called Keith at work this morning to apologize several “I sowies” or sorry took place. I told him I just have a lot on my mind lately and that I shouldn’t have taken it out on him. I had to reassure him that I absolutely LOVE HIM more then anything. He said that was what he needed to hear and that made it all better now. : ) So I need to learn to not let my issues reflect onto him. Especially when I see him trying to do everything he can to try to make me happy (as best he can)
I recognize this so sometimes I need to take a step back and evaluate myself and put myself in check since I don’t allow anyone else to. Lastnight I worked some stress off at gym and tonight Danielle & I are meeting up for dinner at the Denver Diner a chocolate shake is screaming my name. I need to go dancing soon I hear onyx is open again on Friday nt but I don’t really want to be one of the only 9 patrons there. Maybe 60 So. Sat. if I can wait that long. Hmm bored now back to work…

12:25 pm: blah

So glad Grants back from the land down under I missed his ass. I took him to dinner Friday for his B~day we shared our vacation photos and stories. It was nice he met a chic in Sydney it kinda bothered me but I have no room to talk so I won’t. however what did bother me was him checking out other women while sitting across from me again I have no room to talk BUT if you still claim to care for me don’t disrespect me. ( men make me ill ) whatever

 

Anyhoo Sat. Keith and I went to see the movie Troy GOD DAMN could that man be any fucking hotter B/P meow!!!!!

Sunday Keith took me on a picnic in the Mtn’s we sat in this gorgeous meadow next to a lake had a nice lunch then made out like teenagers.. We almost forgot we weren’t at home oops

Now today just sitting here bored at work hmm I think I’ll go shopping after work I could use some new bras and maybe the gym might still be open. ( exciting)